JoKes....

A Parrot Which Never Talks…

There’s a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is.

“Your parrot has too much hook in it’s beak, what you have to do is file it’s beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You’ve got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink.”

The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he’ll do it himself.

A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says “the parrots dead”. Pet shop guy says “I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?”.

Ex-parrot owner says “Shit no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice!!”

A Big Stick…

A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so,when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He’d then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he said, over the din of the banging, “but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?”

Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, “Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here’s a six-ton truck but I’ve got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I’ve gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don’t break an axle”.

The Wild and Wooly West…

An Eastern newspaper correspondent had just arrived in an oldWestern town when he noticed a curious lack of women. Walking into the local saloon he asked a local, “What do you fellas do around here for entertainment?”

“Ya mean women?” asked the local yokel. “We ain’t got none. ‘Round here folks fuck sheep.”

“That’s disgusting,” cried the correspondent, “I’ve never heard of such moral degradation.”

However, after a few months, the correspondent’s rocks were beginning to ache and the sheep were looking more and more attractive.So he finally went out and found himself a comely sheep, brought her back to his room, shampooed her and then tied ribbons in her hair. After a bottle of champagne, he lured the sheep into his bedchamber and released his pent-up frustrations.

Afterward, he escorted his four-legged lover to the saloon for a drink. As the correspondent and his wooly mate entered, a hush fell over the patrons and the anxious couple became the object of many stares.

“You goddamn bunch of hypocrites!” the reporter yelled. “You’ve been fucking sheep for years, but when I do it up right you look at me likeI’m some sort of crazy pervert!”

One cowboy in the back of the crowd spoke up, “Yeah, but that’s the sheriff’s gal!”

Pussy Eating Frog…

A guy walks into a bar with a frog. He sits next to this real attractive lady, places the frog up on the counter, and orders a drink.The lady says “that’s a disgusting looking frog you got there.” The guys says, “Yeah well lemmie tell ya something… this here frog is THE BESTdamn pussy eater you ever seen.” The lady is outrages and says so then promptly gets up and moves across the bar. A few hours pass…. The lady has had more then her share, and starts thinking about the frog…

So she staggers back up to the guy and says, “OK prove it!”. They run get a hotel room.. the lady gets nude and is lying on the bed with legs spread open wide. The guy takes the frog and puts it in position,then commands, “go homer!”…. the frog lays there…. he commands again… “GO HOMER” the frog still does nothing…. he picks up the frog and tosses into the corner and says, “If I’ve shown ya once … I’ve shown ya 1000 times .. now watch how its done!”

Have You Seen a Ghost?

The Society of the Paranormal was having a convention in town and there were many attendees. The president of the society was at the podium delivering the opening address to all who were there in body and in spirit, and he asked the question:

“Who of you have had the occasion to see a ghost?”. There was a showing of perhaps forty hands, to which the speaker asked,

“Who of you have had the occasion to speak with a ghost?”. Once again the conventioneers raised hands, counting thirty or so.

Then the question, “Who of you have had the occasion to have actually touched a ghost?”, to which about ten hands were waved about. The speaker paused for a moment, and then delivered another query,

“Who of you have had the occasion to have sex with a ghost?”,and in the far back of the auditorium a lone hand was raised.

“Would the usher please escort that individual with his hand raised to the stage? I simply must inquire further.” And with a couple of moments delay the man was brought forward, who incidentally turned out to be a wee Scotsman in full kilt no less. When the Scot arrived on stage, the speaker asked him, “Well Sir, tell us what it was like to have sex with a ghost.”, to which the man replied, “Ghost? Laddie,I thought ye said goat!”.

Raped By a Mouse…

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw,the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a GermanSheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain,she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”

“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

Dominique and His Performing Alligator

The circus is in town and the posters advertising it are promising an act never seen before in the UK.

On the opening night they have a full house and all the traditional acts go down well. Then the final unique act, Dominique and his performing alligator.

Yes Dominique brings on his trained alligator and puts him through his paces, roller skates, riding a bike, balancing on the high wire etc. Then for the grand finale, Dominique announces to the crowd that he will prove just how well trained his alligator is.

Dominique says to the alligator “open your mouth wide and do not move under any circumstances”. He then puts his hand in the alligators mouth and it does not move. He puts his whole arm in the alligators mouth, again it does not move. He puts his head in the alligators mouth, it doesn’t even blink. Then in the ultimate show of confidence he drops his trousers and puts his dick in the alligators mouth, picks up a baseball bat and clobbers the alligator over the head. The alligator doesn’t flinch.

Dominique says to the crowd “I hope you have seen just how well trained my alligator is. Would anyone from the audience like to give it a try”. Not surprisingly there is little response. But suddenly from the back a little old lady plucks up courage and says:

“I’ll give it a go sonny, but you’ve got to promise not to hit me too hard with that baseball bat”.

A Baby Elephant’s Trunk

This couple are out having a romantic meal for the first time together.Suddenly something from the man’s side whips from under the table, steals a bread roll and dissappears back under the table. The guy doesn’t blink aneyelid and the woman can’t tell whether it really happened. She says nothing.

Well, damn, the same thing happens again. The woman checks the guy out andsure he makes out like nothing happened so she holds it in. A little timepasses. The, hell, it happens a third time and the woman can no longer holdit in and she speaks up demanding to know what’s going on.

The man explains.”Look, I was in an accident in India.. I lost my ..penis.. thesurgeons transplanted a baby elephant’s trunk in it’s place and, well, I’vegrown to accept it and hell, It’s embarrassing but that’s it”.

“No, no..”the woman says “that’s absolutely incredible. And you mean the trunk keepsstealing the bread rolls like an elephant. WOW. Look that’s so amazingwould you mind doing it again?”

The guy replies “Look, I’d really love tobut my ass couldn’t handle another bread roll”.

Good Sheep

Well, a couple months back there was this trial in the WestVirginia courts. A man was being tried for fornicating with a sheep,since that’s illegal an’ all. Anyway, the key witness was an oldfella who was walking along the highway by the farm where the sheepwas raised. The prosecutor asked the witness what he saw:

“Well, I was walkin’ along, and saw this sheep just’a eatin’grass. And then this fella walks up from behind the sheep, realquiet-like.”

“And then what?” asked the prosecutor.

“Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled the sheep close.”

“And what happened after that?”

“Well,” said the witness, “they sorta shook for a couple ofminutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around… an’ licked him!”

Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jurymember next to him and said, “You know… a good sheep’ll do that.”

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i found this joke in my old blog.....

enjoy this dirty joke...

=P